Yes, it's hard to not kick yourself but it ultimately it wont make it better so try to drop that.
I have also tried to keep things hidden and did so for some time but lost out in the long run.
If I were you I would keep this close to the vest, meaning telling no employees and very few friends or family. Everyone talks and they also know what's right for you. So maybe just a counsellor.
If you're sure a withdrawal will threaten your job I would get some gear lined up and eventually try to get back on some substitution plan