The End
Diary of a Virgin from Hell. GET LAID OR DIE TRYING.
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I generally try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror: I can't bear to stare at my reflection. But when I do catch a glimpse: I'm stabbed with emotional pain. All I can see.....as far as the eye can see..... is Failure.
Failure.
Failure.
EVERYWHERE.
I am continuously haunted by daunting questions that demand answers I can't deliver: "What happened to me?" and "How did it come to this?" They torment my conscious, eating me up alive. I never imagined my life would end up being so screwed up like this: filthy from ground up. So. Fucked. Up. This is not a life, it's a disgrace to humanity. Sure, I'm alive but I am only surviving - not living. This sad form of existence doesn't seem worth it anymore. The pain is unbearable: I am in need of a Permanent Escape.
It seems like only a few moments ago, I was a happy go lucky kid with delusionally ambitious dreams to become president, an actor or a rich CEO. The world seemed so bright, shiny and full of hope - daring me to go exploring its endless possibilities, infinite adventures. I felt unstoppable, like I had NO FUCKIN LIMITS. THE WORLD IS MINE TO CONQUER. I CAN BE ANYTHING THAT I WANT TO BE. Back then, I was blissfully ignorant: unaware of how dark the world can be. Mother where are you when I need you most? Show me the light.
But now look at me? Constantly cycling between waves of depression and temporary reliefs. Even when I manage to crawl outside my personal misery, I am always left to wonder "How long will I survive before I lose control of myself and relapse to my old patterns of irresponsibility, laziness, procrastination and binging on movies/videogames?" Even when I do manage to get my shit together for a few hours or days, I always end up crashing down. What's the point of trying if you know you'll always fail. What's the point of going on if it never leads to anywhere solid. Hanging on by a thread.
Now I am a mere shadow of my former glory. I miss the days when I was a rising sun in full strength. As the years flew by, I slowly began to realize that my dreams will probably never become a reality. The brutal, harsh reality of the world hit me like a ton of bricks. Smashed skull. I was blind before but now I can see. Words cannot explain how much it hurts me to say this but i'll force the words out of my mouth...
My life summarized one sentence: I have been a rat trapped in a cage running endlessly on a wheel that leads to nowhere. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Welcome to my world. Painful. Devoid of happiness. Plagued with misery. Lost hope. No point in going on. Dead dreams.
Time and time again I have promised myself that I would change for the better. I told myself countless times "I'm going to change my life for the better." Only to move a few inches forward and then fallback to my old way of life. No way out. Trapped forever.
It's clear to me now: No matter how hard I push myself, no matter what new idea I come up with radically turn things down, no matter where I turn to: I ALWAYS END UP BACK AT SQUARE ONE. I feel like I am trapped in mediocrity and even if I bang and smash my head against the wall in rage and fury, I still won't be able to escape. I am locked in an endless cycle of being average and my old lifestyle. The 1000 or so comments on reddit cringe were right: my situation is beyond repair. I am a butterfly caught in a spider's web and my wings have been torn off. Noose instant relief.
These last moments reminds me of the time it was pouring rain out and I was outside the subway station contemplating what the fuck I'm doing with my life. No matter what answer I gave myself: it still seemed meaningless. I've thrown spirituality to the waste side and made my entire life a hedonistic, shallow pursuit of women. How low have I fallen. What animal I have become. Even if I win this rat maze and get laid I'll never remove the guilty feelings for having abandoned G-d. May G-d forgive me for I have gravely sinned.
The flickering light at the end of the tunnel has permanently dimmed. Thank you for those who emotionally supported me @mindgamez @chrispancakes @lasaga @porno @shaqtel. For those mercilessly attacked me like I'm a subhuman: I will never forgive you. Mom, grama, dad: I'm sorry I always treated you like shit and you had to find out about the hard way. Don't judge me. I love you. Good bye: it's been a good run and my life had its good moments but everything beautiful is temporary. This is the final, final end. Sleeping forever in heaven.
I am happy now.