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Thread: The Jewish Space Laser Agency responds: We didnít start the fire

  1. #1
    Gold Cerveza Fria's Avatar
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    The Jewish Space Laser Agency responds: We didnít start the fire

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
    From the Office of the Jewish Space Laser Agency

    We have witnessed some outlandish claims this week from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene about the Jewish people and our space laser.

    The Jewish Space Laser Agency is the main body responsible for the Jewish Space Laser, and should be the first stop for responsible journalists seeking answers to questions about Jewish Space Lasers and all associated activity. Yet in the hours since the Congresswomanís comments, we have received no calls. CNN, FOX, MSNB-whatever ó they never call!

    So, we are issuing this news release to set the record straight, once and for all.

    The Jewish Space Laser Agency can not in any reasonable fashion be held responsible for the California forest fires of 2018/5758. If you examine the facts, you will clearly see that a number of other factors conspired to create this tragic mishigas.

    First, some background. The Jewish Space Laser is mainly reserved for use in important ceremonial and ritual observances, such as warming challah for Friday-night dinners, lighting Chanukah candles when we run out of matches, alerting New Yorkers to sales at Russ & Daughters, and helping Mrs. Glicksman find Airplane Mode on her e-reader.

    Our space laser has a stellar record of more than 36 years of safe operation. (And itís still single? One could say thatís the real emergency). We have policies and procedures in place to ensure that focusing intense beams of light from beyond the stratosphere is only done in accordance with international safety regulations, and never on the Sabbath.

    We are still trying our best to piece together exactly what happened that caused this unfortunate fire.

    The facts as we know are these: On that fateful weekend in 2018, the Levine family of Malibu approached us to be part of what would have been the worldís first circumcision by space laser. We were delighted to assist, as the space laser has always been used in a safe and menschy fashion, and we have learned some things since our attempt at making crŤme caramel for the Feinberg Bar Mitzvah.

    Our aim was very accurate for this most delicate of procedures. However, due simply to bad timing, Jeffrey Levinson, an intern (and a sophomore at Columbia ó single!), wanted to go out for a little walk and a snack at the moment of circumcision, and, in so doing, seems to have accidentally bumped against the Marilyn Z. Hermann Memorial Computer.

    While itís too early to say for sure, this may have resulted in the laser being pointed at a nearby patch of dry grass instead of at the foreskin of Baby Levine (Mazal Tov!). This could possibly maybe have somehow contributed to this conflagration.

    Our internal investigation is still underway, so by all means please direct any tips (but not baby Levineís!) to our hotline, where you can also send donations so that we may keep this wonderful organization going.

    Credit to: Emil Stern is the co-creator of the podcast ďKing of the Egg Cream,Ē starring Justin Bartha and Michael Stuhlbarg. Sigmund Stern is a contributor to The Onion and McSweeneys. Yoni Weinberg has written for the HBO series ďCrashing.Ē

     
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      hongkonger: love it!

  2. #2
    Oy this verkokhte space laser is making me verklempt. It's giving me a schpilkes.
    HILLARY WON

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    Diamond Walter Sobchak's Avatar
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    SHOMER FUCKING SHABBOS

     
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      tigerpiper: I can get you a toe, too

    SOBCHAK SECURITY 213-799-7798

    PRESIDENT JOSEPH R. BIDEN JR., THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

  4. #4
    How do the right wingers balance love of Israel with anti-semitism? Is it because both of these don't really matter and hatred of black people is the real animus?

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    Gold Cerveza Fria's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tigerpiper View Post
    How do the right wingers balance love of Israel with anti-semitism? Is it because both of these don't really matter and hatred of black people is the real animus?

    Actually these days, a lot of the anti-semitism comes from both the right and the left. We know who the one's on the right are - Neo Nazis, KKK, Qanon and the other Alt-right groups. On the left, you have the Communists, Socialists, BLM, and Antifa.

    So basically we are hated by everyone on both sides.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Cerveza Fria View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by tigerpiper View Post
    How do the right wingers balance love of Israel with anti-semitism? Is it because both of these don't really matter and hatred of black people is the real animus?

    Actually these days, a lot of the anti-semitism comes from both the right and the left. We know who the one's on the right are - Neo Nazis, KKK, Qanon and the other Alt-right groups. On the left, you have the Communists, Socialists, BLM, and Antifa.

    So basically we are hated by everyone on both sides.
    Just like in the Middle East, must really feel like home.

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