Some of you have wondered where I've been lately. Well now I'm ready to discuss my secret project. As promised in my bid to be seeded in the PFA Spring Classic, I'm very pleased to present TopPair: Poker's Premier Poker Magazine about Poker.
Let's start with the cover, because let's face it - WOW!
First things first - this is TopPair magazine. All one word. The title says it all and it's going to be SEO-friendly as fuck. Go ahead and google "poker magazine" and if TopPair isn't the first result, I owe you half an HPT buy-in.
Next is our logo. It is a pair of aces. Pocket rockets. American Airlines. Aces Venturas. Rocky Mountain High. You know all the nicknames. This is a very good starting hand in No Limit Texas Hold Them. So it's a great logo.
The next thing that jumps out on this cover is that haggard-looking old man. We also have Doyle Brunson, a true legend of the game. We chose to include a tranny with giant tits on the cover because it's a "top pair" of breastages. Do you get the joke? Tits? A pair? A top pair of tits. TopPair magazine. Give us your money.
The date is a typo because there's no way poker was popular enough in 2005 to warrant yet another monthly poker magazine. But it's 2018 (13 years later!) and of course poker is huge right now. There simply aren't enough poker journalists available to fill all the vacant positions at all the poker magazines. People have a thirst for poker magazines that can't be quenched and starting a new magazine is a can't miss business proposition. But this magazine is different. It's TopPair magazine. One word, remember.
Also note that it's a "Collector's Edition." Buy this edition, put it in cellophane, lock it in a safe, throw away the fucking key, come back in 13 years time, blast the safe open with dynamite, and take this magazine to the nearest pawn shop. It will be worth at least 1000 bitcoins.
Now we have our headlines. There are interviews with Doyle Brunson and Jill Ann Spaulding (the tranny featured on the cover). Nobody knows who Jill Ann Spaulding is but she has a nice TopPair and she's being interviewed along with Texas Dolly himself. So you know it's going to be juicy! Maybe?
Then we have the headline, "Paris Hilton: The next poker celebrity?" That's rhetorical because the answer is obviously yes.
"Poker Angels: See inside." WHAT THE FUCK IS POKER ANGELS I MUST KNOW NOW!"
"David Williams: On break" from feet fucking.
And finally, Cyndy Violette and the spiritual side of poker. Okay, so that's filler that no one will read. But the rest? Good lord! How badly do you want to see inside?! It's TopPair magazine y'all!