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Thread: Inside the Pages of TopPair: Poker's Premier Poker Magazine about Poker

  1. #1
    Bronze The Shrink's Avatar
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    Aug 2012
    Your superego.

    Inside the Pages of TopPair: Poker's Premier Poker Magazine about Poker

    Some of you have wondered where I've been lately. Well now I'm ready to discuss my secret project. As promised in my bid to be seeded in the PFA Spring Classic, I'm very pleased to present TopPair: Poker's Premier Poker Magazine about Poker.

    Let's start with the cover, because let's face it - WOW!

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    First things first - this is TopPair magazine. All one word. The title says it all and it's going to be SEO-friendly as fuck. Go ahead and google "poker magazine" and if TopPair isn't the first result, I owe you half an HPT buy-in.

    Next is our logo. It is a pair of aces. Pocket rockets. American Airlines. Aces Venturas. Rocky Mountain High. You know all the nicknames. This is a very good starting hand in No Limit Texas Hold Them. So it's a great logo.

    The next thing that jumps out on this cover is that haggard-looking old man. We also have Doyle Brunson, a true legend of the game. We chose to include a tranny with giant tits on the cover because it's a "top pair" of breastages. Do you get the joke? Tits? A pair? A top pair of tits. TopPair magazine. Give us your money.

    The date is a typo because there's no way poker was popular enough in 2005 to warrant yet another monthly poker magazine. But it's 2018 (13 years later!) and of course poker is huge right now. There simply aren't enough poker journalists available to fill all the vacant positions at all the poker magazines. People have a thirst for poker magazines that can't be quenched and starting a new magazine is a can't miss business proposition. But this magazine is different. It's TopPair magazine. One word, remember.

    Also note that it's a "Collector's Edition." Buy this edition, put it in cellophane, lock it in a safe, throw away the fucking key, come back in 13 years time, blast the safe open with dynamite, and take this magazine to the nearest pawn shop. It will be worth at least 1000 bitcoins.

    Now we have our headlines. There are interviews with Doyle Brunson and Jill Ann Spaulding (the tranny featured on the cover). Nobody knows who Jill Ann Spaulding is but she has a nice TopPair and she's being interviewed along with Texas Dolly himself. So you know it's going to be juicy! Maybe?

    Then we have the headline, "Paris Hilton: The next poker celebrity?" That's rhetorical because the answer is obviously yes.

    "Poker Angels: See inside." WHAT THE FUCK IS POKER ANGELS I MUST KNOW NOW!"

    "David Williams: On break" from feet fucking.

    And finally, Cyndy Violette and the spiritual side of poker. Okay, so that's filler that no one will read. But the rest? Good lord! How badly do you want to see inside?! It's TopPair magazine y'all!

  2. #2
    Owner Dan Druff's Avatar
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    Mar 2012
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    Would you believe I actually have a personal story about this joke of a magazine?

    It was July 2005, and I was briefly a sponsored player of Sun Poker (formerly known as Caribbean Sun Poker). They bought me into the WSOP Main Event that year. It was about a week after I won my bracelet, though they had agreed to buy me into the Main prior to that.

    The owner of Sun Poker told me that he would like me to go to some party for a magazine where they advertised. The magazine was called "Top Pair", which seemed generic enough. It was in that club on top of the Palms, though I forget what the place was called back then (I think it changed names since 2005). My then-girlfriend, Miri, was invited, too.

    The party wasn't very interesting. I hardly knew anyone there, and we were just sitting around. It must have been expensive, because they bought out the entire club for it.

    I kept seeing some blond chick who looked around my age (then 33), with her big fake tits hanging out of her shirt. I tried to pretend not to notice, as I didn't want Miri getting pissed off, until she pointed it out to me. Miri asked if I knew who that girl was, and I said that I didn't.

    We had been there about an hour and were just about to bounce, when the chick with the big tits came into our booth and sat extremely close to me.

    Yes, it was the girl on the magazine cover in the post above -- the one The Shrink called "a tranny".

    She said her name was Jill.

    In real life, Jill didn't look at all like a tranny. That was just a bad picture of her. Here's a more accurate picture of what she looked like at the time:

    She was clearly somewhat drunk.

    We started talking to her, and surprisingly, she identified herself as "the publisher" of Top Pair.

    "So you own this magazine?", I asked.

    "Yes. It's mine. I just started it", she told me.

    Well, that's not exactly who I pictured being the owner! I had pictured another Barry Shulman type.

    At some point Miri mentioned that I had just recently won a bracelet, at which point Jill kept telling me that I should write a column for Top Pair. I was actually interested in this, and told her that I'd like to do it.

    The rest of the evening was bizarre. Jill was acting like she was our best friend, taking us around to meet the entire Top Pair staff, pretty much sticking to us like glue. She kept saying how glad she was to have met us, how we should all hang out sometime soon, etc etc.

    Finally, as the whole thing was winding down, Jill told me that I just HAD to come to another party she was throwing at the Wine Cellar in the Rio. The party was like 3 days later. I told her I would go, and figured I would get her when a bit more sober to discuss actually writing for the magazine.

    Again, as we were leaving, Jill gave us a hug, told us that she really wanted to see us at the Wine Cellar party, and we said goodbye.

    So three days passed, and Miri got sick. So she couldn't make the Wine Cellar party. I went by myself.

    Again, I didn't really know most people there, and was awkwardly standing around.

    Jill arrived, this time in jeans and a somewhat more modest top, and I went over to greet her.

    We made direct eye contact, and she walked right by me.


    What happened to a few days ago, when she was acting like meeting me was the most exciting event in her life?

    I figured she was just spacing out and didn't really notice me.

    I finally went up to her and said hello, and her response was, "Ummm... do I know you?"

    I started to explain the other night at the Palms, and she cut me off, saying, "Wait, I'll get back to you in a bit", and ran off to greet someone else.

    I waited about 10 minutes, and she never came back, even as she walked by me and again made direct eye contact.

    I left the party at that point, and didn't bother trying to contact her again regarding the possible column in Top Pair.

    I'm not sure if Top Pair ever published a second issue.

    Anyway, after this whole mess, I decided to look her up. Turned out Jill Ann Spaulding spent a very brief time at the Playboy Mansion as one of Hef's girls, except she broke the "code of silence" by writing a book about it.

    The book is called Jill Ann: Upstairs, and was written in 2004.

    It's not liked in the reviews.

    Jill made the rounds once again a few years ago when other tell-alls came out about the Playboy Mansion.

    She is now 47 years old.

    At the time I met her, she was describing herself as a "professional poker player", but I never actually saw any evidence that she really played.

      Shizzmoney: cocaine is one helluva drug

  3. #3
    My friend and I used to do poker interviews and use them as a hook to get affiliate money from poker sites. This lady asked us to do some interviews for her fail mag, she paid us in mostly free advertising for our site. They even spelled my friends name wrong in the interview byline....amateur hour for sure.

  4. #4
    Bronze The Shrink's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Druff View Post

    In real life, Jill didn't look at all like a tranny. That was just a bad picture of her. Here's a more accurate picture of what she looked like at the time:

    Druff are we looking at the same picture? She looks the same in the picture you posted as she does on the cover of the magazine. Am I the only one who thinks she/he/it looks really rough and man-like?

    In fact, judging by her clothes I would bet that the picture you posted was taken at the exact same event where the cover photo was taken.

      Sanlmar: Shrink +

  5. #5
    The union iron worker face is one thing but the disfiguring boob job is as impossible to ignore as a traffic accident.

    Aren’t there some basic rules that are addressed in the Hippocratic Oath?

    What we see here cannot be described as cleavage. The breast bone separates these two balloons like the Grand Canyon.

    I have to believe there are some basic metrics that govern this gap.

    I’m a chart guy and Fibonacci is my god. Fibonacci numbers also referred to as the “Golden Ratio” have been used since antiquity to scientifically define our perception of facial beauty. The distance between the pupils. Eyes to nose etc.

    There is no accounting trick to explain whatever the fuck it/she/he appears so proud of.

    I would be interested in some further expert analysis.

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