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  1. #1
    Albuquerque's #1 Attorney Alvin Finklestein's Avatar
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    Giving yourself the highest chance to receive unemployment benefits

    Hello, everyone. It had been awhile since I last posted here, but the Ken Scalir appearance on Judge Judy brought me out of lurk mode.

    One important note: There is no evidence that I am a real attorney, and you should not take any of the below as professional legal advice.

    Another important note: I am also NOT advocating any kind of fraud or deception in order to get these benefits. However, as your approval or denial will often hinge upon some very arbitrary factors which will depend upon the way you describe what happened, it's important to know what they're looking for. Many unemployment benefits are unfairly DENIED due to the incorrect perception that the employee got fired on purpose. This guide is for those looking to prevent that incorrect perception, NOT to encourage scamming or dishonest acquiring of undeserved benefits.

    Use this advice at your own risk! It is not guaranteed to work, and I take no responsibility if you get denied.

    One frequent question I receive is, "I just got fired from my job because they claim I violated company policy. Can I still get unemployment benefits?"

    Another question I receive is, "My job is terrible and my boss hates me. Is there any way to just end things there and still get unemployment benefits?"

    This varies from state to state, but in most cases the process is fairly uniform.

    First off, you need to understand what unemployment benefits actually are. It's actually "unemployment insurance", and your employer pays for it for each employee.

    Your employer does NOT decide whether you receive this benefit. Investigators with the state determine whether or not you're eligible. However, your employer DOES have feedback into the process, and gaining their cooperation is helpful (though not essential).

    Next, you need to understand what makes you eligible or ineligible.

    Simply put, you are usually eligible for unemployment benefits if you did not consciously choose to lose your job. That is, if you did not intentionally lose your job, then you are usually granted the benefits.

    However, this is a complicated and vague situation. As state unemployment insurance investigators cannot read your mind, how do they know if you intentionally lost your job or not?

    This is determined by a common-sense decision after interviews with both you and your employer.

    It does not matter much if you were a lousy or incompetent employee. That is not what is being determined here. In fact, in many cases it's better to paint yourself as someone who just couldn't handle the work, and your employer fired you.

    I will list some hypothetical situations where you would or would not receive unemployment benefits:

    1) Quit your job. NO BENEFITS, as quitting is voluntary.

    2) Repeated unexcused absence from work. USUALLY NO BENEFITS, unless you have a valid medical or emergency reason for it. This is because it's impossible for the investigator to determine whether you intentionally didn't show up in order to get fired, so by default it is assumed you intentionally stopped showing up, and therefore it's deemed equivalent to quitting. If your absences are numerous over a long period of time, you may be able to talk your way into benefits (see later in this guide).

    3) Poor job performance or incompetence. BENEFITS ARE TYPICALLY AWARDED, unless you inexplicably went from competent to incompetent, which again might signal the assumption you did this intentionally to get fired.

    4) Poor behavior with customers, co-workers, or superiors. VARIES, based upon the situation. The investigator will determine whether or not they believe you intentionally caused trouble to get fired, or if you were just an unpleasant person in general. If it was determined that you were just a general jerk, you will usually be awarded benefits.

    5) Habitual lateness. VARIES, depending upon how long the lateness has been going on. While this is counterintuitive, a usually-punctual employee who suddenly always shows up late will usually be denied benefits, whereas someone with a months or years-long history of being late will be given benefits This is because the former seemingly indicates intentional behavior (no benefits), while the latter simply indicates a bad employee (benefits granted).

    6) Laid off / position eliminated. BENEFITS ALWAYS GRANTED.


    If you are considering leaving your job due to issues there, but would like unemployment benefits, DO NOT QUIT. Instead, approach your employer, and ask if they could classify your departure as a "mutual resignation".

    A mutual resignation is essentially an agreement between the employer and employee that things aren't working out, and that both agree things should end. This is legally different than the employee simply quitting (no unemployment benefits), and it's also different from a firing (employee can sue for wrongful termination). A mutual resignation allows for unemployment benefits, but denies you the right to sue for wrongful termination, so both sides gain.

    Some employers will agree to do this, and others will not. It is more likely they will agree if it's a smaller company, and if you are leaving on at least somewhat good terms.

    If the employer agrees, have them rehearse with you what will be said to the state investigator. Nobody should lie or be asked to lie. Simply come up with a real reason that there was some problem at work (don't lie -- actually come up with an actual problem occurring there involving you), and have the employer state that they were unhappy with you and both of you decided it was best to end things, in order to prevent a termination down the road. If this is said by both parties to the state investigator, you will almost surely receive benefits.

    If you quit, don't bother applying for benefits. You will get denied 100% of the time.

    If you get fired, you should always apply for unemployment benefits, unless you have found another job right away.

    At this point, it is unlikely your former employer will cooperate, and they may actually fight you receiving the benefits. Do not worry about this.

    You just need to come up with a proper framing of what happened.

    It is important to rehearse a story regarding your firing, which paints your behavior as routine, which suddenly resulted in your termination after a long time.

    Do NOT paint it as a one-time screw-up, unless it's something which could certainly be determined an accident.

    For example, say you worked at a call center and you were caught intentionally hanging up on Dan Druff when he was repeatedly demanding a $10 credit on his bill. Upon investigation, it was found by your employer that you hung up on 3 other customers that day, as well, and they fired you.

    WRONG: "I was just really stressed out that day and hung up on anyone who got me frustrated. I don't usually do that, but that one day I flipped out and kept doing it because I couldn't cope."

    RIGHT: "We get a lot of calls from abusive customers, and I just didn't have the personality to take the verbal beatings every day. Eventually I noticed that it was better to just hang up on the customer when they got too aggressive with me, as that made the job easier and less stressful. I was doing this for the last 6 months, and I guess they decided to start getting rid of the customer service people who were hanging up on customers."

    Amazingly, the second story above usually WILL get benefits, while the first story will only get them sometimes. Again, you are going for demonstrating consistent bad behavior over a long period of time, rather than a one-time change in behavior.

    Same goes for routine lateness or missing work.

    If you suddenly go from punctual and reliable to late and absent, you will not be granted benefits.

    If you've been unreliable for a year and finally your company had enough, then you WILL be granted benefits. It's important to state in such cases that you were missing work (or late to work) for a long period of time, and it seemed your employer was okay with it. State that you were surprised when they actually fired you for this after such a long time of seemingly tolerating it.

    I advised a client who was habitually absent over a period of 18 months to tell the investigator just that. The investigator then interviewed the employer and asked if the employee had been missing work often for the past 18 months. The employer verified this to be true, and my client was granted benefits.

    In another interesting case, I had a client who was fired for engaging in racist behavior. He used the dreaded n-word in an argument with a co-worker, and was promptly terminated for it.

    Normally such outrageous behavior would be considered "intentional" and benefits would be denied.

    However, I asked my client about the history with this co-worker. Apparently the co-worker was bigoted herself, and had also made anti-Semitic remarks to and about my client in the past.

    I asked my client if he had reported these remarks to his superiors, and he said that he had.

    This was the out he needed. I told him to state to investigators that he was repeatedly subjected to anti-Semitic attacks at work by this woman, and one day he finally lost his cool and called her the n-word. The investigator called up the workplace and asked if this was possible. The employer denied that they had any proof of these anti-Semitic remarks, but acknowledged that the two employees had a history of arguing with one another and getting into heated battles. That was enough for the investigator to believe that this was not an intentional job sabotage, but rather just an ongoing pattern of two employees who couldn't get along. Benefits were granted, and my client profusely thanked me.


    In general, when fired, you need to craft a story (one which does not veer too far from the truth) which paints you as a longtime undesirable employee, rather than one who engaged in unusual behavior.

    Of course, when possible, it's best to blame a poor fit with the work environment, rather than actual bad work. For example, if fired for being rude to customers, it's better to simply state that you are not really a people person, and that a customer service position probably wasn't right for you. It's also fine to state that many employees at work personally disliked you due to personality clashes, and that it led to a toxic work environment, causing your employer to finally terminate you.

    I hope that this guide is useful, and will result in many lazy weeks sitting at home, posting on forums, and engaging in degenerate online gambling.
    Last edited by Alvin Finklestein; 01-19-2018 at 02:52 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold SetofKs's Avatar
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    TLDR, but jesus fucking christ. This site just hit a new low, I assume

     
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      JimmyG_415:

  3. #3
    Albuquerque's #1 Attorney Alvin Finklestein's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SetofKs View Post
    TLDR, but jesus fucking christ. This site just hit a new low, I assume
    I am not sure what you mean by that.

    This is very helpful advice to receiving unemployment benefits for those who might need it.

    Mr. Ks, I am aware that you are a degenerate who has never held a real job, but please do not look down upon helpful free advice I am providing to the working man.

  4. #4
    Gold SetofKs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alvin Finklestein View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by SetofKs View Post
    TLDR, but jesus fucking christ. This site just hit a new low, I assume
    I am not sure what you mean by that.

    This is very helpful advice to receiving unemployment benefits for those who might need it.

    Mr. Ks, I am aware that you are a degenerate who has never held a real job, but please do not look down upon helpful free advice I am providing to the working man.
    I'll bet you anything that I held a job within the last 2 years. You are right about the degenerate part tho. And I didn't even read yer post, I was just talking shit. I'll read it right now though.

  5. #5
    Plutonium sonatine's Avatar
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    im not reading anything in this thread but i skimmed the first half of ops post and im going to save everyone like 10 minutes of their lives:


    to get on unemployment;

    - dont ever quit

    - when they ask why youre no longer employed, always say "they said i was unable to fulfill the job requirements and then they let me go".

    - if you get denied, always appeal. always. UI benefits eligibility is always determined by an actual person, who handles dozens of cases a day and has more job security if they put more people on UI. make it easy for them to do their job and they will. if someone denies you and you havent given them an obvious excuse to do so (aka deviating from the script above), the person after them will usually just assume it was a personality issue or the other person didnt do their job and green light your benefits.

    - avoid at all costs bringing conflict from the workplace to the table. dont play the 'my boss was a dick to me' card. give them a very small amount of information to work with, and make sure its the right information.

    after your interview they may or may not reach out to the employer to compare notes. if they do and they get conflicting info, its not the end of the world, you can say 'thats not what they told me at the exit interview and i just signed whatever they told me to sign because i needed that severance check'. at this point you are 50/50 to get approved. throw in the appeals process and the odds are even better.

    enjoy your vacation, use it to learn to code.
    "Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness." - Alejandro Jodorowsky

    "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream. The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe the dream out of existence. The dream is a spontaneous happening and therefore dangerous to a control system set up by the non-dreamers." -- William S. Burroughs

  6. #6
    Gold Charham's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sonatine View Post
    im not reading anything in this thread but i skimmed the first half of ops post and im going to save everyone like 10 minutes of their lives:


    to get on unemployment;

    - dont ever quit

    - when they ask why youre no longer employed, always say "they said i was unable to fulfill the job requirements and then they let me go".

    - if you get denied, always appeal. always. UI benefits eligibility is always determined by an actual person, who handles dozens of cases a day and has more job security if they put more people on UI. make it easy for them to do their job and they will. if someone denies you and you havent given them an obvious excuse to do so (aka deviating from the script above), the person after them will usually just assume it was a personality issue or the other person didnt do their job and green light your benefits.

    - avoid at all costs bringing conflict from the workplace to the table. dont play the 'my boss was a dick to me' card. give them a very small amount of information to work with, and make sure its the right information.

    after your interview they may or may not reach out to the employer to compare notes. if they do and they get conflicting info, its not the end of the world, you can say 'thats not what they told me at the exit interview and i just signed whatever they told me to sign because i needed that severance check'. at this point you are 50/50 to get approved. throw in the appeals process and the odds are even better.

    enjoy your vacation, use it to learn to code.
    you have a gift for writing!

    One piece of advice I will add, don't wait until your severance runs out to file. You can receive unemployment and severance at the same time. People usually wait until after severance runs out to file, that is a big mistake.

     
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  7. #7
    Owner Dan Druff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sonatine View Post
    im not reading anything in this thread but i skimmed the first half of ops post and im going to save everyone like 10 minutes of their lives:


    to get on unemployment;

    - dont ever quit

    - when they ask why youre no longer employed, always say "they said i was unable to fulfill the job requirements and then they let me go".

    - if you get denied, always appeal. always. UI benefits eligibility is always determined by an actual person, who handles dozens of cases a day and has more job security if they put more people on UI. make it easy for them to do their job and they will. if someone denies you and you havent given them an obvious excuse to do so (aka deviating from the script above), the person after them will usually just assume it was a personality issue or the other person didnt do their job and green light your benefits.

    - avoid at all costs bringing conflict from the workplace to the table. dont play the 'my boss was a dick to me' card. give them a very small amount of information to work with, and make sure its the right information.

    after your interview they may or may not reach out to the employer to compare notes. if they do and they get conflicting info, its not the end of the world, you can say 'thats not what they told me at the exit interview and i just signed whatever they told me to sign because i needed that severance check'. at this point you are 50/50 to get approved. throw in the appeals process and the odds are even better.

    enjoy your vacation, use it to learn to code.
    Not sure which state your experience comes from, but in California, this advice will get you denied.

    They ALWAYS check with your employer, and if your story is different, they usually believe the employer and use their version to determine your eligibility based upon that. Many times that's bad news.

    Appeals are not 50/50 either. It's worth trying but you're probably failing again, especially if you admit you signed exit documents which weren't true "just to get the check".

    That wouldn't fly here.

    Being vague also does you no favors. They will keep asking you details and will assume the worst if you won't provide answers.

    People often compare the process to an interrogation.

    In short, if you lost your job, it's better to take the 5 minutes to read the Alvin essay and understand what they're looking for, than to get your benefits denied.

  8. #8
    Platinum Baron Von Strucker's Avatar
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    Ive had to lay off a few employees from time to time and when it comes time to come back to work they want both, as in they wanted me to pay them cash so they could collect there ui benefits as well.

    I thought about it and decided not to as i have never paid employees in cash and want NO involvement in ripping off the government.

    I think it is a great program better than others which just give the "dole" which is basically welfare which you can sit on forever. As far as i know you could be on UI for as long as one year, which is plenty of time to retrain or get another job.
    Last edited by Baron Von Strucker; 01-19-2018 at 09:02 AM.
    all hail Hydra



    Originally Posted by DanDruff:Since I'm a 6'2" Republican with an average-sized nose and a last name which doesn't end with "stein", "man", or "berg", I can hide among the goyim and remain undetected unless I open my mouth about money matters.

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