Writing, articulating and expressionism for me, typically comes with little or no effort- except in this case, so deal with me if my thoughts seem fragmented or if you’re waiting for me to “just spit it out,” this is not easy.
This is a long time coming (for me to discuss, not for necessarily for any of you to read.) I am choosing to unravel a little about myself and what I am going through, not because I expect some sort of praise or pity but more because I feel a certain kinship to many of you. I’ll be honest – I thought this would be the EASIEST place I could get honest, ASAP, since for the most part, we appear to be a community replete of moral depravity and a community which revels in its own degeneracy. That said, if I didn’t feel that this was a community full of decency, support, humor and friendship – I wouldn’t be here, doing this.
I have hit the wall. I have finally been broken by this lifestyle. I’ve spent the last 18-24 months exclusively playing poker. The year previous to that, I spent playing high limit blackjack. For income. Full time. Notwithstanding the last 6 (six) months, I was a net-winning player, including in my –EV plights. In fact, I reaped all the benefits of a 7 Star existence, until the non-advantage play ceased. This isn’t about what I have won or lost though….what it IS about is the outrageous sense of entitlement I’ve gained, sprinkled with a myriad of other bad habits I’ve developed.
I take a bit of comfort in the fact that drinking (other than Scotch or a glass of Meritage here and there) isn’t a thing for me. I don’t smoke. I can’t handle marijuana – it’s too much a mindfuck for me and I am too much of a control freak to enjoy it. Opiates make me sick. Benzos make me lazy and slovenly. I have, however, never met an upper I didn’t love. My drug of choice – Adderall. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my teens and rX’ed Ritalin. The love affair started before I even knew what love was.
If you are familiar with how the dosing works, this will make sense: I am rX’ed 80 mg/daily. 20mg XR (once a day) and 20 mg of IR (3 times a day.) I am a 100 pound, active adult – so, admittedly, even for the worst case of ADHD – this dosage is criminal for any decent caretaker to condone. Yet, United Healthcare has never batted an eyelash and my pharmacist at CVS greets me with a smile once a month.
Since July, I have found myself in the habit of playing exclusively online. I’ll get up at 6AM, abuse my rX, taking all 80 mg off Adderall at once and fire off on ACR until I am “satisfied” with my net win/loss. I shamefully know the entire tournament schedule inside out and all the regs on the WPN skins at every level of cash (NLHE and PLO.) Some days, I’d even do this do this twice – 2 10 hour sessions - morning and night.
As some of you may know, I have a law school education and own my own consulting company, assisting young inventors in getting their products patented/trademarked/licensed/branded/brought to market. I am educated and hard working. In addition to that, I have been a freelance writer, on and off for the last 20 years, which included co-authoring a book with my late father. Somewhere along the way, I made a conscience decision that at least for now, I didn’t want to be those things and that I wanted this anything-but-glamorous alternative. What the fuck?
It’s been hell on my relationships with friends and family and hell on my soul. I decided last week, that was it. There is a shortage of GA / NA meetings where I live, so I started attending AA – which seems to work, regardless of what your actual crutch is. So, my journey begins. I am 6 days without Adderall and 6 days without poker/gambling.
I have given it thought and feel like I could really benefit from doing an “Ask Me Anything.” I have made plenty of really awesome/not so proud life choices over time…..so, let’s make this, that. For the time being…..nothing is off limits. Time and energy allowing, I will answer anything…
Reply With Quote
