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Thread: ....and so it goes.....A CONFESSION

  1. #1
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    ....and so it goes.....A CONFESSION

    Writing, articulating and expressionism for me, typically comes with little or no effort- except in this case, so deal with me if my thoughts seem fragmented or if you’re waiting for me to “just spit it out,” this is not easy.

    This is a long time coming (for me to discuss, not for necessarily for any of you to read.) I am choosing to unravel a little about myself and what I am going through, not because I expect some sort of praise or pity but more because I feel a certain kinship to many of you. I’ll be honest – I thought this would be the EASIEST place I could get honest, ASAP, since for the most part, we appear to be a community replete of moral depravity and a community which revels in its own degeneracy. That said, if I didn’t feel that this was a community full of decency, support, humor and friendship – I wouldn’t be here, doing this.

    I have hit the wall. I have finally been broken by this lifestyle. I’ve spent the last 18-24 months exclusively playing poker. The year previous to that, I spent playing high limit blackjack. For income. Full time. Notwithstanding the last 6 (six) months, I was a net-winning player, including in my –EV plights. In fact, I reaped all the benefits of a 7 Star existence, until the non-advantage play ceased. This isn’t about what I have won or lost though….what it IS about is the outrageous sense of entitlement I’ve gained, sprinkled with a myriad of other bad habits I’ve developed.

    I take a bit of comfort in the fact that drinking (other than Scotch or a glass of Meritage here and there) isn’t a thing for me. I don’t smoke. I can’t handle marijuana – it’s too much a mindfuck for me and I am too much of a control freak to enjoy it. Opiates make me sick. Benzos make me lazy and slovenly. I have, however, never met an upper I didn’t love. My drug of choice – Adderall. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my teens and rX’ed Ritalin. The love affair started before I even knew what love was.

    If you are familiar with how the dosing works, this will make sense: I am rX’ed 80 mg/daily. 20mg XR (once a day) and 20 mg of IR (3 times a day.) I am a 100 pound, active adult – so, admittedly, even for the worst case of ADHD – this dosage is criminal for any decent caretaker to condone. Yet, United Healthcare has never batted an eyelash and my pharmacist at CVS greets me with a smile once a month.

    Since July, I have found myself in the habit of playing exclusively online. I’ll get up at 6AM, abuse my rX, taking all 80 mg off Adderall at once and fire off on ACR until I am “satisfied” with my net win/loss. I shamefully know the entire tournament schedule inside out and all the regs on the WPN skins at every level of cash (NLHE and PLO.) Some days, I’d even do this do this twice – 2 10 hour sessions - morning and night.

    As some of you may know, I have a law school education and own my own consulting company, assisting young inventors in getting their products patented/trademarked/licensed/branded/brought to market. I am educated and hard working. In addition to that, I have been a freelance writer, on and off for the last 20 years, which included co-authoring a book with my late father. Somewhere along the way, I made a conscience decision that at least for now, I didn’t want to be those things and that I wanted this anything-but-glamorous alternative. What the fuck?

    It’s been hell on my relationships with friends and family and hell on my soul. I decided last week, that was it. There is a shortage of GA / NA meetings where I live, so I started attending AA – which seems to work, regardless of what your actual crutch is. So, my journey begins. I am 6 days without Adderall and 6 days without poker/gambling.

    I have given it thought and feel like I could really benefit from doing an “Ask Me Anything.” I have made plenty of really awesome/not so proud life choices over time…..so, let’s make this, that. For the time being…..nothing is off limits. Time and energy allowing, I will answer anything…

     
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      Flipper_Fair: here is some Run Good for you
      
      Sanlmar: Quality shareware.
      
      Charham: Good analysis and action
      
      big dick: Best of luck
    Last edited by Kilgore Trout; 10-25-2017 at 11:31 AM.

  2. #2
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    easily the best post I've seen on this site for months

     
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      Spookygook:
      
      Muck Ficon: Hut's post about your sleeping in your car was better.

  3. #3
    I think I am either in lust or love. TBD.

    Until then, are you on a precipice, and if so, from what? Or, instead, are you just craving cathartic change?

    You sounds dysphoric, which is where i am and have been for a while now. Enough about me. You, ...

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tellafriend View Post
    I think I am either in lust or love. TBD.

    Until then, are you on a precipice, and if so, from what? Or, instead, are you just craving cathartic change?

    You sounds dysphoric, which is where i am and have been for a while now. Enough about me. You, ...
    dysphoric is a perfect way to describe it, that and disillusioned....but for now, at least, I can turn it all around.

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    When your buzz becomes your lifestyle you have to immediately put down the shovel. I promise it worked for me.

    I have played more poker than anyone I have ever met in person, and have always been a winning player. The problem is that in the long run the game for most people is an emotional death sentence. The win and the profit is not worth the price you have to pay.

    Walk away, hang out with people that love or inspire you. Time will take care of the rest. Godspeed

  6. #6
    Owner Dan Druff's Avatar
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    Are you still with the old Jew boyfriend?

    Asking for about 100 PFA friends, who have been excited that a female without a penis posts here.

     
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      Kilgore Trout: as opposed to the other females, with penises, who post here.
      
      thesparten: What would big dick be considered?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Druff View Post
    Are you still with the old Jew boyfriend?

    Asking for about 100 PFA friends, who have been excited that a female without a penis posts here.

    I am - however, I am not certain that he is equipped for the rigorous honesty that my life is about to become. As much as he loves and appreciates my tight ass and smart mouth, is also about how much he loves and appreciates percodans and Modelo.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kilgore Trout View Post
    It’s been hell on my relationships with friends and family and hell on my soul. I decided last week, that was it. There is a shortage of GA / NA meetings where I live, so I started attending AA – which seems to work, regardless of what your actual crutch is. So, my journey begins. I am 6 days without Adderall and 6 days without poker/gambling.

    My name is 4dragons and I have an erection.

  9. #9
    Good luck. Adderall is second greatest thing in this life next to unprotected sex

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortbuspoker View Post
    Good luck. Adderall is second greatest thing in this life next to unprotected sex

    There is no greater truth.

    Signed, I have no uterus, no STDs and a full medicine cabinet

  11. #11
    Nova Scotia's REAL #1 Webcam DJ sonatine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kilgore Trout View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Druff View Post
    Are you still with the old Jew boyfriend?

    Asking for about 100 PFA friends, who have been excited that a female without a penis posts here.

    I am - however, I am not certain that he is equipped for the rigorous honesty that my life is about to become. As much as he loves and appreciates my tight ass and smart mouth, is also about how much he loves and appreciates percodans and Modelo.

    Very few relationships survive one half going sober and entering into a journey of self discovery and crippling terror.

    You would do well to preemptively give yourself a pass on the guilt that this will generate.

     
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      Kilgore Trout: thank you. I intrinsically know this...but need to hear it.
    "Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness." - Alejandro Jodorowsky

    "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream. The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe the dream out of existence. The dream is a spontaneous happening and therefore dangerous to a control system set up by the non-dreamers." -- William S. Burroughs

  12. #12
    #2 - What really caused you to a) leave last time and b) return so quickly?

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tellafriend View Post
    #2 - What really caused you to a) leave last time and b) return so quickly?
    a) Not all Larry, but mostly. That, and as I have stated on radio and here, I have a terrible time with moderation. So, if I take something away from myself, my compulsions are manageable. Case in point, I was away for 2 months and in the last 3 days - I have doubled my post count....

    b) Also, mostly in part to Larry's absence and attention whoring - but also, due in part, to extra time on my hands and need to re-engage other people...who at least for now, aren't overly judgmental. Notwithstanding, Griner and Anders.

  14. #14
    Nova Scotia's REAL #1 Webcam DJ sonatine's Avatar
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    Please assume literally everyone here is mentally ill and toxic.

    You're vulnerable and that filter will pay off handsomely, I absolutely assure you of this.

     
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      ToasterOven: such real talk
      
      varys: Im only toxic
    "Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness." - Alejandro Jodorowsky

    "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream. The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe the dream out of existence. The dream is a spontaneous happening and therefore dangerous to a control system set up by the non-dreamers." -- William S. Burroughs

  15. #15
    Nova Scotia's REAL #1 Webcam DJ sonatine's Avatar
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    Also PM me a contact at your agency, I have a great idea and Musk isnt returning my calls.












    I never called Musk.














    It's not a great idea.



























    It will be nice to talk to someone tho.
    "Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness." - Alejandro Jodorowsky

    "America is not so much a nightmare as a non-dream. The American non-dream is precisely a move to wipe the dream out of existence. The dream is a spontaneous happening and therefore dangerous to a control system set up by the non-dreamers." -- William S. Burroughs

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by sonatine View Post
    Please assume literally everyone here is mentally ill and toxic.

    You're vulnerable and that filter will pay off handsomely, I absolutely assure you of this.
    I do this, by nature. I am willfully pessimistic but also hopeful about society and the world.
    I also have an exemplary amount of emotional intelligence, mixed with a decent amount of street smarts. I have learned a lot over the years, I am not someone that life is just happening to, at least I wasn't before the last year or so.
    I tend to let my ego get in the way of my own vulnerability at times, so I have to make a conscious effort to remember the rest.

     
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      sonatine: Cool, do your thing, I'm rooting for you.

  17. #17
    All trolling aside, nothing good ever comes from unraveling anything about yourself on these forums.

    Also, consider larry laffer the tip of the iceberg of obsessions, some of these lonely nuts will go nuts if you lead them on, tread lightly.........good luck.....dont say you weren't warned.


    #PFAGIRLWITHOUTAPENIS

     
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      Kilgore Trout: Thank you, I realize this is closest you can possibly come to showing benevolence and I appreciate it. I know my audience - and know myself, I'm keeping it in stride. Its nice to see you shtick-free for a moment.
    "Druff would suck his own dick if it were long enough"- Brandon "drexel" Gerson

    "ann coulter literally has more common sense than pfa."-Sonatine

    "Real grinders supports poker fraud"- Ray Davis


    "DRILLED HER GOOD"- HONGKONGER

  18. #18
    blackjack is the devil's game

     
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      Mintjewlips: Ooooooooh yea

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlunderMaker View Post
    blackjack is the devil's game

    Indeed, and 2 hands at at $200/each for 6 hours at a time...showed me this.

     
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      BlunderMaker: try $500 next time for added thrill

  20. #20
    Owner Dan Druff's Avatar
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    Can you explain the significance of the picture you have as your avatar?

     
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      BlunderMaker: olsen twin rep

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