Flashback to about a year and a half ago, I was going into day 3 of the World Series of Poker Main Event with a top chip stack feeling on top of the world. I was living my dream and had tens of thousands of dollars in a safe. I was in the best shape physically that I had been since probably my mid 20's. I was exercising almost daily, swimming a couple times a week, had a good tan and looked and felt healthier than I had in some time.
Well, as many of you know, I fell short of the glory but still came back to St. Louis feeling good. Even though I dropped $15k or so post-main event just gambling and having fun in Vegas, I still had a healthy bankroll and a good outlook. I felt like I played great, and was very proud of myself for taking my shot and playing the way I did - not playing like a typical first-timer, willing to get in there and play big pots with whoever and not letting any of the circus like atmosphere affect my game.
This good feeling carried over for awhile, until a couple months after I got home. I started to feel less pride in how I played and more regretted not doing more with my "one shot". I would beat myself up daily, if not hourly, knowing I would probably never find myself in a spot like that again. I wasn't working, and just kind of did whatever I wanted on a day to day basis, with no real direction. I wouldn't consider myself depressed at the time, more...indifferent.
This went on for probably about six months, where I wasn't really doing much of anything - just sitting at home spending money while not making any. Eventually I found myself at or near busto, and really wasn't in a good mindset.
In my early twenties I had a big drug problem (heroin). I was a junkie but eventually got clean around age 25 with a little luck and a lot of methadone. I completely abstained from dope for well over a decade but still was taking a very minimal dose of methadone of 10mg. A typical heroin addict takes around 80-100mg per day by comparison. It doesn't sound like much but that last 10mg is tough to kick, and because it didn't cost me really any money and wasn't a real problem I was never highly motivated to get completely off it.
Fast forward to about six months ago and there were problems getting my script filled. For whatever reason, there was a problem with the distributors or whatever and the pharmacies were all out. This is where I really fucked up. Instead of toughing it out while I had no responsibilities (a job I had to get up for every morning), I had a buddy of mine who still used get me a small amount of dope.
I was depressed and busto so I really didn't give a fuck, and thought it was a temporary solution until I could figure out how to get my methadone script filled. Well, obviously you know how this ends...
So now I'm hooked on dope, owe several people money, and have a job I like which will ultimately be affected if i don't get myself clean. The problem is I don't know if my job would still be there if I decided to go to an inpatient rehab, so I've been trying to cut back to where I can go cold turkey on a weekend and feel good enough to be able to go to work that Monday.
Not really looking for pitty or whatever, just kind of tired of being in this spot and really feel like a piece of shit. I guess this is me taking my "first step". Easier to admit to a message board than my family. Hopefully this will light a fire under my ass, and make me stop being a little bitch. If anyone has any questions, I'll do my best to answer them. Flame away
tl;dr drugs are bad, mmkay
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by ThreeBet
