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Greetings, NWP.
Recently, I was playing in a 7 handed local game of 5/10 with some old guys. I dealt myself K10 of spades, and action folded around to me. I raised it up, and got called by both blinds. As I dealt the flop, I was bitten on the chode by four Brown Recluses in unison. I mucked my hand and ran to the bathroom to spray Raid down my urethra. While frantically scampering down the hallway, I tripped and fell face first into a tupperware container full of LSD. My throat was swollen, and I was unable to get up and ask for help. I managed to retrieve my Blackberry from my fanny pack. I fumbled with the device, unable to concentrate long enough to dial for help.
I am not a religious man, but what happened next really made me think that someone was watching after me. I heard a quick succession of raps on the front door. At this point, I was still lying face first in the LSD holding my breath! One of the old guys might get up to answer the door and help me spray Raid or DDT down my dickhole! My hope dissipated when four minutes passed. Another four or five knocks on the door... KNOCK LOUDER YOU SON OF A BITCH! No results. The old guys were all deaf from years of listening to Big Bands and their televisions turned up to Ten. The blood was draining from my face and I was extrememly downtrodden when I heard footsteps pattering away from the door. My one last hope was walking away. To make matters worse, I felt another Brown Recluse crawling up my pant leg. It felt pregnant, and I heard the faint rustle of a plump eggsack rattling on her back. God, I hoped this was just the LSD.
Anyways, just as I was about to give in and inhale the pure LSD... I did. Just as I was giving up, I heard a thunderous crash to my left! I felt hundreds of shafts of glass lodge into my back. Before I could fill my lungs with liquid acid, a strong hand pulled me from my hair out of the tupperware container, and unzipped my pants. At this point, I was really tripping out. My vision was distorted... but for one instant, I focused perfectly... and I swear to God I saw Kathy Liebert standing over me, can of Raid in hand. She told me to hush, and I felt the soothing Raid flowing down my urethra. After two complete cans were emptied into my you know what, I was able to move again, although my joints were creaky and my throat was still swollen. I tried to say, "Thank you", but could not yet muster the strength. The mysterious hero zipped me up, and gave me some orange juice to help me with my acid trip.
Let's not forget about the pregnant brown recluse that was crawling up my leg to hatch eggs in my asshole. As the heroine stroked my hair, I heard the tell tale crackling of hatching spiders echoing in the canyon of my own asshole. The Kathy Liebertesque savior grabbed the nest and ate the eggsack before it was too late. I watched in horror as she consumed the venomous arachnids. The blood drained from her face, and she scrambled back out the window. I didn't even get to thank her for what she did.
TWO WEEKS LATER
I'm in Atlantic City, and still not even sure if any of this happened. The old guys at my home game had told me they found me tucked in to the guest bed. Noone mentioned the broken window or any kind of commotion... perhaps I had dreamed it all. Anyways, I am playing limit holdem when Kathy Liebert sits in at the table. I am in seat 1, and she is in seat 4. I am dealt the K10 of spades, and raise it up. Kathy calls and it's me and her heads up in the pot. The flop comes down K 10 10. I check, she raises, and I fold. I mouth, "Thank you... whoever you are." to her, and she shows me the KK as I muck. She winks at me, and opens her mouth. For an instant, I saw the intricate webbing of a family spider nest... Kathy quickly closes her mouth, and it all comes back to me. Kathy scooped up the pot, and abruptly leaves the game. She slips something in my fanny pack as she passed.
Now, I was pretty much in shock at this point. I excused myself and headed to the bathroom. I broke into a brisk jog... I just had to know what this mysterious hero had left me! I made it to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I opened the fanny pack, and found a cylinder wrapped in a note. I read the note: "There is no time! Quickly disperse the contents of this into your urethra!" Huh? What the... I looked down to find a can of Raid. I didn't hesitate. As I felt the warm, pleasant substance coursing down my urethra... twelve black widows were forced out of my penis hole.
How did she know? I haven't seen her since, but I owe this woman two of my lives. She is an unheralded hero in the land of pubic spider infestation, and one hell of a poker player. I came out and posted this in the hopes others could be inspired by my personal experience, and prepared for any kind of penis tube arachnid shenanigans. Kathy Liebert is only a man, she cannot be everywhere at once. I advise you to disrobe and spray your orifices thoroughly with DDT and Agent Orange, and to keep on Tweakin' your respective Games, son.
y0 y0 y0 y0 y0 y0 y0, dat were what it was
BOI
This new stuff seems different...
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I'm more important than you
Cooks beer, 8.99 for 24... does it suck? No, it's fucking awesome and you idiot fucks know nothing about that which is awesome.
I don't waste my time with fucking euro shit pretending I'm a fucking wine drinking intellectual fucking ass faggot from fucking france. I'm not fucking peet. I'm here to fill you worthless assholes in on something: beer is fucking beer. If you ass faces can get 24 beers for 10 dollars after tax do it. This isn't fucking germany. We don't drink it warm here in the states you worthless communists.
Now let me fucking finish. I am obviously smarter than you, so read this a few times to drive it into your thick fucking skull. You are a fucking idiot, faggot. I got a case of beer for 10 dollars you asshole moron piece of shit. Why are you reading this post? I'm wiz the alphabet elephant, that's why. I'm the best fucking poster on any goddamn forum on the internet, that much is obvious.
When I type, it is like Jesus sprinkling fucking ownage on a goddamn tittie.
Now listen up because I have some crucial points.
1. I am smarter than you
2. If I had 20k I'd be better at poker than you
3. Ship 20k to canniper on stars
Fuck you, You fucking idiots are the reason they crash planes into buildings. If everyone was an alphabet elephant, everything would be about smoking joints. Now listen clearly, because I have a few important points to make.
1. I'm really cool.
2. I'll fuck your girlfriend.
3. There is a brown recluse within 10 feet of you and he's going to bite you
Don't fucking think you are safe, because there are spiders all over the place waiting to fucking own you with toxic venom, as opposed to non-toxic venom found in french spiders.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm american. Everyday I live on the edge, constantly threatened by water moccasins and spiders and all kinds of native american savages just waiting to fucking kill me.
What do I do? Do I cower in the shadows? No.
I fucking own, that's what I do. And I will continue to own until the day that I am inevitably murdered by fucking killer fucking bees, because here in the new world we look death and the eye and snicker.
Death can kiss my black ass all fuckin day.
You idiot faggots think Wiz is a joke. I got a big fucking joke for you: Never win poker dot com. This site is a haven for faggot noobs who shiver in the shadows hiding from fucking spiders and poison dart frogs. I got news for you, shithead. You gotta fucking live your fucking life. This isn't fucking Paperboy, turn off your fucking NES and own the world as I do everyday.
Why am I so cool you ask? I can't help it. I was born this way, and I have learned to live with it. It gets real tough when all the girls want to have sex with you, but you have to play the cards life deals you.
In conclusion, fuck yeah you stupid assholes, you all suck.
-the light that casts no shadows.
PS I can spell when i'm drunk you idiot assholes
I just prefer the old Wiz is all...
