2.5 years later, I am back to attempt amends and to pay down debts.
Hello everyone,
Most of the users here probably know me, or have heard of me in a way that I am absolutely not proud of, but none-the-less take responsibility for. My name is Jasep. I was once an active, respected member of this community and ultimately I took advantage of that to help support an addiction that I have spent the better part of 9 years struggling with and mostly losing to.
I am here, about 2 and a half years since my last visit because I am still bothered by my actions and have finally worked my way to a place in life where I can begin chipping away at my debts and make some sort of amends to the people that I have wronged. Namely 22Q, the people who participated in project sep and the people I had online business interactions with. What I did was shameful and before I continue, I want everyone to know that I regret my actions and I sincerely apologize for them.
I will do my best to give everyone an idea of where I have been and where I hope to go from here and hopefully I can resolve my debts with this community and we can all move on. It will not be a short process but I am committed to it and hope that what I propose is acceptable as it is the only option I currently have.
First let me give some in site in to my life before, during and after my last time here.
Going back to around 2006 I started gambling heavily, I didn't immediately recognize it as an addiction and because at the time I had what I thought were above average skills at poker I managed to not drag anyone else in to my addiction in the beginning but really poker was a huge gateway to a much more destructive life than I thought possible for myself and around 2008 it began to go downhill.
I idolized poker players and that lifestyle and really longed to achieve it and one way or another through the countless hours spent in casinos and talking about poker and playing etc... I managed to begin justifying bad life decisions to myself by delusionally assuming that I was moments away from stardom or a windfall or whatever. I would fantasize about what I was going to do with all the money I was about to make while I was on my way to the casino. I would get out of debt, I would buy something nice for someone, I would do any number of things that I fantasized about. Inevitably, on the ride home, broke, I would justify my losses as variance or a bad run or whatever and at some point those trips and those fantasies became the only thing that mattered in my life, above my family, above my bills, above anything that was important. It wasn't that I wanted it to be that way, but whatever failure that occurred in my mind convinced me that it had to be that way.
I survived with this addiction like a devil on my shoulder for longer than I should have honestly. I became a member of this community at a time when I still didn't fully grasp that I was an addicted gambler, I still thought I was a future poker star. I started hosting radio shows and doing comedy and commentary and building a small loyal following as what I envisioned to be my fan base that would spring board me to the next level but again that was all fantasy. Reality was I was still terribly hooked on gambling, poker was just one element of what I was doing, casino games, sports betting, slot machines, whatever I could do to get my fix I was doing, and I was doing it at a pace that was unsupportable. I also became good at hiding it. I made some horrendous life choices and it all crumbled around me, deservedly so.
I had no source of income when I stepped out of the online poker life and really had no direction. I was with a woman at the time, but that eventually ended. My family and friends were contacted and experienced fallout from my actions, my employability was pretty much at zero because of my actions and I contemplated every possible scenario to just end what I was doing to myself and to the people that I loved. I opted to go to a gamblers anonymous meeting, I eventually went to that same meeting pretty faithfully, but it didn't really stick, it wasn't something I was able to align myself with, but it did help me get some valuable resources that would help. Through GA I enrolled in a program that was state sponsored in CT called Bettor Choice, a gambling addiction therapy program that gave me one on one and group therapy as well as psychiatric treatment and medication management. I stuck with this program for a long time, for as long as I was able to under a state grant and still to this day take low doses of medications that were prescribed to me. I will not get in to the details of the treatment since they are not important but the program itself helped me recognize that I had a sickness and I needed to treat it, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict... In my opinion worse because the outward signs of a gambling addict arent as easy to recognize as the other two.
Through this program I was able to get state aid for health insurance and food stamps as well as qualify for food bank assistance and YMCA membership at no charge and that is how I survived while looking for a job. At first I was a bit delusional in what type of job I could get. I applied for everything that I thought would pay me enough money to get myself out of the whole, but those places at the bare minimum google your name and the results aren't great on that front.
I had a background in the restaurant business and I knew that most food service places don't really care who they hired as long as the person was competent and could get the job done. Eventually I was able to find a job making 10.00 an hour prepping a kitchen on a seasonal basis and I took it. I stuck with that job and worked hard at it and eventually was given small raises, 11.00, 12.00, what have you. Still not any money that I would consider good but I made it work, I walked there or caught rides and kept to myself. The money I made at that level was survival money and not much more. Being that it was seasonal it came to an end and I was unemployed again but quickly found work as a kitchen hand making 9-10 an hour to get me through the fall and winter. I actually still maintain that opposite seasonal job and now make 12.50 an hour there for some of the winter months.
I was promoted at my seasonal job to a salary a year ago, but it still averaged out to about 14.00 an hour and I began the process of putting together some type of life. I saved up 600.00 and bought a saab from helping hands of america, I got a small 2 room studio etc. I managed to live, never working with a surplus of money but still getting by.
Through this I knew that if I continued to work hard enough I would hit a point where I was making a surplus and I could begin paying down some of my debt.
I had some struggles along the way. I had relationships that ended, legal/probationary issues, I lost all relationships with family and close friends that really hurt me and I am sure hurt them as much. I had people tell me on our first interaction that they googled me and the results they found. I had a buy-here pay-here car salesman ask me to explain what poker fraud alert was, I had a coworker who happened to be a 2 plus 2er confront me, I even had someone track me down and request I go on their podcast. Countless phone calls, messages, threats, etc... All things that I brought upon myself and recognize as my own doing, just as my actions have caused troubles for others, it isn't something I am proud of but something I want to take responsibility for. I have also had my struggles with relapsing. I have gambled in the last 2 and a half years, luckily, it has never been something that I let grip me to tight again and it has been something that I have been able to overcome by talking to friends and support from various programs and getting back on track. Today I haven't gambled, yesterday and days before that I didn't, I don't want to gamble ever again, the damage isn't worth it but I would be foolish to think I was anything other than powerless to whatever lives inside of me and just try with everything I've got not to go back to that life.
Last year I made 26k, I have my w2 to prove it if that would be required, this year I have been promoted at my seasonal job once again and thanks to the help of a program called ynab I have gotten myself finally in to a position where I can function month to month on a surplus instead of a deficit. I will gross about 36k for the next 12 months beginning in May. I have a woman in my life that I love and I always function better with someone with me than on my own and while I do not make a ton of money it has been long enough and I have worked hard enough to start making things right here.
Let me first say that I don't want to become a member of this community again, that stage of my life is over, I haven't sat at a poker table, followed poker or visited a poker forum since I was last here, that’s not what this is about. This is about doing my best to make things right with people I harmed and about not being defined by the actions of my past but how I address those actions now.
Also, let me say that at least one member of this community knows where I work, my girlfriends name, etc and has contacted me with threats and while that person may have accelerated this process it is not only because of that person, who I have no idea the identity of, that I am here. I would be here at some point this season regardless. If someone should go ahead and take actions that result in my employer deciding that I am not worth the headache and I lose my job, or actions that cause my girlfriend to no longer share a life with me and change my living situation those actions will not change the fact that I owe the people that I owe and still intend on paying them, however, they will force me to start back at square one again and drag this out even further. So while I understand that it is something that I probably would deserve the end result will be me being even further away from the end game of making everyone whole and it would take even longer to get back to where I am today. I would request that as long as I am fulfilling my responsibilities that my work, loved ones and friends be left completely alone. If at some point I don't fulfill them without a reasonable explanation than I would understand. Any money that I pay back isn't "hush money", my story and the things that I have done are still very accessible to anyone with any sort of curiosity and the ability to do a simple internet search. I would just like minimal interference in tackling my debts from people who think that the proper route to go is to attempt to force me to lose anything I have been able to put together to this point.
The money that I make compared to what I owe is very minimal but it is money that I work hard for and earn and at this point in my life it is the best I have, if I should work in to a better employment situation or some type of unexpected financial change comes than I will update everyone and adjust accordingly. As of right now after looking at my inflow and outflow I can afford to pay back $400.00 a month to what would be under the umbrella of "Online Poker Community/PFA" I don't know exactly who and how much I owe to people by name, but I have held on to a spreadsheet since the events that give me a general understanding. Immediately after everything that happened I was depressed, medicated and not in a good place so I was not entirely diligent in my record keeping but I know that I owe the total of that umbrella around 12k. I owe a total of 27k to other outlets as part of debts that I can directly contribute to my gambling addiction, these include personal loans, back child support, money that I straight up lied to acquire etc. I will/have address(ed) those debts with those parties. They also need to be paid down on and that is something I will handle separately.
What would be ideal is if one representative would be the person I pay the money to and that person can distribute it however the people effected deem proper, All of the debts here are approx. the same age and of varying amounts so if it is something where smallest gets paid first or everyone gets paid equally or it is weighted some how, that is something that I don't have an answer for. If interest were to be tacked on I wouldn't object to that at all. I understand that the amount I am proposing suggests about a 2.5-3 year window to getting everyone paid back, and if I can do it quicker I would love to, but I honestly cannot get myself in a situation where I am completely desperate and suffocating and begin making poor decisions again. I can only tackle this with what is available to me. I don't live lavishly or have huge life expenses, I live pretty meager, and after survival this is what I can afford to pay, I won't be taking any trips or buying any new cars or anything. I will be living day to day and paying down on what is owed. If Todd is available and not much has changed in his life I would like him to be an intermediary for this. I could pay him directly through any type of escrow service, PayPal, whatever, I am not sure what options exist, as long as I can fund it through standard methods that should be fine. In turn I will give Todd my personal phone number, my work number and the name of my supervisor as kind of a sign of good faith to show you guys that I am committed to making this right, I would just ask that all of that information be kept private through all of this unless at some point in the future I give a reason why it should not be kept private. If dealing with it in a different way is preferred I would understand, it is an overwhelming thing and a lot to ask from you guys so I am open to suggestion if this method isn't acceptable.
I can begin making the payment on the second Wednesday in May and continue on the second Wednesday of each month thereafter. That matches up with my pay schedule and my RTW date for when my salary is in effect. For today, I have 250.00 that I can pay immediately for the month of April to get the process started, I can pay that at any point from right now forward as soon as it is decided where it is going and how. Unfortunately April is a month where I make considerably less because I have yet to transition from one job to the other and once I do begin to make that transition there is a 3 week period where I do not have any income.
Also in the interest of transparency, October is generally a low income month for me, just seasonal transitioning again so when October comes there is some chance that the payment will have to be postponed/altered.
There is a lot more that I want to say and specific people that I want to address (Kevin, Brandon, Mark, Tim, John, Joe, etc... I am truly sorry) but I think I have written enough for this post. I will not be checking in constantly, mostly due to internet access availability and work schedule but I will be checking in regularly until we can get the logistics figured out and payments are being made. At that point I will probably not check in at all or rarely if it is needed. I will give my email and contact info to Todd, or whoever everyone wants to take this on and communicate with that person. I work a lot and don't always have computer access and no longer spend large chunks of my life on forums. This thread isn't an AMA and I won't be responding to random questions that don't directly have to do with the repayment of the debt.
I also want everyone to know that I am not attempting to get sympathy or pitch a sad story or anything else like that. What I did was terrible, there is no justification for it. My actions are done and now I can just move forward and attempt to make it up. I know most people will assume a leopard can't change his spots but I have to believe it is possible for people to change and I hope that I have been doing that for the better.
Once again, I apologize to those I have wronged and I hope that I can make it up to you, the way everyone feels about me or how I am viewed is something that I may never be able to correct, but I want to do what I can do to make amends to those I hurt and this is the best solution I have.
PS: I have to leave for work soon, I have been here for about 3 hours waiting for the ability to post. I hope I am correct in saying that the money being in Todd's account from me is a stronger gesture than just words and I wanted to get it sent before I leave for work.have sent him the $250, and if it changes logistically that is fine, I would just like to get it in the hands of someone who can help with it. I am working until Midnight tonight, I will check back in and hopefully this hasn't gotten to a point of being unmanageable.
